It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
