I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
