There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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