Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
