I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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