Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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