my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
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