Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
