I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i drank out of a bidet.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
