Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
