What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
