Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
