i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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