ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize