Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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