Are we in a gay sports bar?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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