He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
