chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
