I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
