Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize