To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
