I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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