god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
