So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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