Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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