In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
