Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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