Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
my poor anus
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
