I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
