non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
