then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
