Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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