I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
