chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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