3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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