I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Randomize
