when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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