So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
