Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Farmville is her only friend.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
