He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I want to fling myself into the sun
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
