Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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