T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
