Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize