I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
