new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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