god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
