I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
The uberlube is also flammable
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
