I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I stole a fireplace last night.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
