God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
