The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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