someone threw a dead crab at me
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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