speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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