Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
