I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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