I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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