I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
