Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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