Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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