I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
