at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You are a genius and a whore.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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