'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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