if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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