I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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