All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
